REPARATIONS FOR SLAVERY?? SURE, LET’S HAVE FUN!!

Background

Some Americans are insisting that Americans whose ancestors had the same skin color as long dead slave masters make payments to Americans whose ancestors had the same skin color as long dead slaves. Of course, no living American has ever held slaves, nor has any living American ever been enslaved. But, for some reason, these payments are being called reparations for slavery.

Other Americans say that the idea of reparations is preposterous. After all, no living American should pay for a non-crime that he/she/they  didn’t commit over 150 years ago merely because those who committed the then non-crime had a similar skin color.

They also argue that reparations are unconstitutional because they work an attainder and a corruption of blood, both of which violate Article III, Section 3, subd. 2 of the United States Constitution (See Reparations – Corruption of Blood or Bloody Mess at https://www.meaningoflifesatire.com/2019/12/18/reparations-corruption-of-blood-or-bloody-mess/ at The Meaning of Life ~ World’s Greatest Political Satire!!).

Finally, they point out that reparations are arbitrary (they are), stupid (the jury is still out), will pit American against American (Yup), and will foster distrust and, yes, more racism.

What to Do?

Unlike the others, we at MOL have thought the problem through. As such, we concluded that while reparations are, in fact, arbitrary, racist, discriminatory, and, yes again, stupid, and they will ultimately fail, we should institute them. Why? The answer is easy, will have a ball instituting them and, if we ever are able to institute them, the result will be hilarious! After all, we need a break from Ukraine/Russia, inflation, crime, recession, and Slo-Joe. Here is our idea:

Our (Humorous) Way to Institute Reparations

Everyone else who is talking reparations (either for or against) has missed the initial problem that must be addressed before we can begin reparations. Fortunately, we haven’t! What must we do before we can begin paying reparations?”

We must determine who will pay reparations and who will receive them. How can we do this? There is only one way: re-segregate America! After all, how can we set up a payment system without knowing who will pay and who will be paid? Re-segregating Americans will be fascinating, interesting, offensive, on the far side of ridiculous, and will push our country to the brink of  idiocy and madness. What could be more fun than that!!

All Americans will be segregated into one of two classes: Those whose ancestors had the same skin color as masters – the reparations payors (certainly to become known as The Master Class, which will be offensive and insulting to any reparations paying American); and those whose  ancestors had the same skin color as slaves – the reparations receivers (certainly to become known as The Slave Class, which will be offensive and insulting to any reparations receiving American).{1}

Look at that, we haven’t even started paying anything yet and we have pissed off the entire country!!

How can we accomplish the great American re-segregation? As we see it, there are three methodologies that could be used: a political method; a scientific method; or a practical method.

Political Methods

If we use a political method, we must pass a law that will classify all Americans. What this new law (or laws) will look like is anyone’s guess, but we do have at least two prior laws to guide us. They are:

1. The Louisiana “1/32” law. This law, which was in force in the great state of Louisiana until April 25, 1862{2} defined a slave (i.e. a black) as anyone having at least 1/32 African ancestry. (Basically, more than one great-great-grandparent who was African). If this law is used, repreparations will be paid to any American with at least one black ancestor in the last four generations. This method will produce some irony. Some Americans as white as Edgar Winter will end up receiving reparations, while other Americans as dark as Dinesh D’Souza will end up paying them. {3} Of course, his law would require oodles of genetic and family tracing because the ancestry of each ancestor would also have to be checked to make sure how “pure” they were. Thank God for Ancestry.com!!
2. The Virginia “One Drop” law. Virginia used a somewhat different method to determine “blackness”. The “One Drop” law classified anyone who had even “one drop” of African blood as black. This is our preferred method of classification. Why? Because all homo sapiens sapiens (i.e., all humans, all of us) evolved in the Great Rift Valley in East Africa. Thus, not only is one drop of everyone’s blood originally African, every drop of blood in every human being on Earth is “out of Africa”!

We at MOL prefer think using this law as a standard would be the fairest and most inclusive. After all since everyone has African Blood, under this method, EVERYONE would be entitled to reparations. What could be fairer and more inclusive than that!!

Scientific Methods

If we can’t agree on a political method of classification, we could use a scientific one. There are two scientific ways to segregate{4} Americans by skin color. They are:

1. The Skin Reflectivity Method would establish a scientific (always follow the science) color reflectivity standard.  All Americans’ skin will be tested for reflectivity. Those whose skin reflected more light than the standard would be placed in the master class, while those whose skin reflected less light than the standard would placed in the slave class. Of course, using this test will create a few problems: Southern Italian Americans, Turkish Americans, Arab Americans, Aboriginal Americans Indian Americans, and American Indians, whose skin possesses a low reflectivity, may be placed in the slave class. Their arguments will be contentious, but fun to watch.
2. The Actual Melanin Method. This method would test the actual amount of melanin is each American’s skin. The government would establish a Melanin Part Per Million (MPPM) standard. Americans whose skin exceeded the melanin standard would be classified as descendants of slaves, whole those Americans whose skin contained less than the melanin limit would be classified as descendants of masters. Again, the setting of a standard will be contentious (and again, fun to watch!).

Practical Methods

If we can’t agree on a political or a scientific method of segregation, we could use a practical method. An American could be classified as a descendant of slaves if he/she actually had ancestors who were slaves. An American would be classified as a descendant of masters if, in fact, they had an ancestor who held slaves. While this method seems the fairest, it is also the most problematic. Besides the heavy-duty reliance on Ancestry.com and all the fraud and the bribery that would follow, not all living African Americans would receive reparations. In fact, some would have to pay them{5}. This will ruin the narrative!! In addition, there would be a few paradoxes. For example, Kamala Harris is black, yet her ancestors held slaves!!!  Would she have to pay reparations . . . to herself?

While we are on the subject, we humbly suggest a few “common-sense” modifications to any reparations plan:

1. White Americans who had an ancestor killed or wounded in the Civil War (which, in case you haven’t heard, was the war that ended slavery) receive a 57.2% discount on any reparations they owe;
2. Americans who identify as African Americans who had one white parent, have their reparations reduced by 49%;
3. Americans who are black, but not descended from Africans have their reparations reduced by 43.9%;
4.  African Americans who identify as Caucasian Americans have their reparations reduced by 34.9%;
5. Caucasian Americans who are able to grow a natural Afro receive a 19.3% reparations payment;
6. Antifa and BLM members receive a 100% reparations payment regardless of their race, creed, color, or dialect of English they use;
7. Before reparation payments begin, the cost ($22,000,000,000,000) of all poverty programs since 1965 be repaid to the Federal government and distributed back to the Caucasian Americans who paid them in the first place. Then they will have something to pay the reparations with!

One Last Problem

Oh yes, one final point. How will we calculate the interest due on reparations? They are, after all, 155-401 years overdue.

History is On Our Side NOT!

Reparations for “slavery” will be fun to institute in America. But historically, reparations never work. American Indigeians  have been receiving reparations from the U.S. government since 1934. These reparations have not helped them nearly as much as the pure unfettered (and monopolistic) capitalism they enjoy by operating casinos and selling non-sales taxed cigarettes and beer!

And, of course, there is Germany. After World War I, Germany had to pay massive reparations to the allies.  We know what that led to!

Footnotes

{1} It should be noted that those Americans classified as descendants of masters might not (actually, almost certainly didn’t) have had any ancestors who held slaves. Similarly, Americans classified as descendants of slaves might not have had any ancestors who were, in fact, slaves.
{2} The day New Orleans (which contained most of the population of the state) fell to the Union.
{3} Interestingly, Homer Plessy (Plaintiff in the famous Plessy v. Ferguson Supreme Court case) was only 1/32 African. Even though he looked white (and somewhat French) he still couldn’t ride the railroad because he “failed” the 1/32 test!
{4} We at MOL have always been opposed to segregation, but since some Americans want reparations today, reparations tomorrow and reparations forever, it seems we must now, unfortunately, adopt the motto, Segregation Today, Segregation Tomorrow, Segregation Forever!!  I don’t think this is what Dr. King had in mind!
{5} In 1860, there were 393,000 slave holders in the United States. About 3,200 of them were African American.
{6} 364,000 Northern soldiers were killed in the Civil War, 281,000 were wounded.
{7} We can’t use the Prime Rate because it wasn’t invented until 1947.